Was this the first happy poem I ever wrote?

I sit on my own and broadly smile.
The past 15 years, they’re worthwhile.
I’ve felt desperately cold and alone.
But it’s simply beautiful, the way I’ve grown.

There are amazing people at my side
the ones who carried me when my strength had died.
I was ignorant and couldn’t see
the path Destiny had in store for me.

I’ve made mistakes and I have regrets
the lessons I’ve learned, I’ll never forget.
Sometimes I trust myself a little too much
but I’ve stopped putting up my wall, as such.

I’ve sometimes had the saddest eyes
my lips are home to many lies.
Yet life offers me chance after chance
it’s time to seize them without a backward glance

I’ve never claimed happiness as mine,
so I feel now is my time to shine.
I’m moving towards my future, away from the past.
I really hope this optimism will last.

Why was I such a miserable child, lol

Here I dwell in a life of woe,
My troubles travel to and fro.
In this place I have no identity
I’m just another face in a worthless majority.

Now I find myself strangely surrounded
but sometimes I cry, I feel so suffocated.
Nowhere belong to me, what is home?
I’m a silhouette on a hill, very alone.

I’ve lost all means,
I’m bereaved by regret.
I exist in a past which I cannot forget.

My limbs are an entangled lie.
I kill myself so I cannot cry.
I’ve lost hold of my very last tether
I don’t think I can hold myself together.

Sometimes I feel so insecure
Who can I rely on? Who, for sure?
I know I’m better off on my own,
They say I’m damaged, but I’ve only grown.

I won’t waste my life morning for them
I, myself, I’m my own best friend.

I’m controlling my own life.
It’s time to cut out all this strife.

Smothered love

Cut inside, blue, purple
marks unseen, covered, hidden.
Bruised inside, skin healed.
Head matted. Puzzled and lost.

But in your childhood, did I hurt you?
Never.
And in your lifetime did I love you?
Always.
How long did I prison you in my heart?
Forever.

No-one to listen, deaf ears.
No-one to see, blind eyes
No-one to hold, cold arms.
No-one to talk, mute lips.

And in your young years, your problems heard and solved?
Every one.
Your day-to-day actions observed?
You won’t believe what I know.
Did I hold out my arms and hug you?
Each and every day.
And did we talk things through?
Only in silence.

And now where do I stand?
Where from birth I’ve always been.
Petrified outside, away from home
a woman’s body, and child’s mind.

Yet you still ran away.
I thought my love was enough.
I gave you the best.
But you still turned your back.

I hurt you though not maliciously
I didn’t turn my back, I broke free.
I didn’t desert you, I escaped.
My only life, four walls shaped.

You came back to me
not with my heart
my very own daughter,
but not the part.

Same smile, same eyes.
A different mind.

Justin

You were ripped away from us by hit and run.
We’ve been left in devastation, feeling numb.
You didn’t deserve to die that way.
There’s no believing you’re not here today.

Your death has left us all unnerved
We are hoping that, one day, justice will be served.
All who knew you loved you from the start
you hold a place in each and every heart.

Such a young man, you had it all
The girls, the charm, the skills in football.
Only 13, you had all your dreams to chase;
now you’re gone. It’s all a waste.

When a special lad unexpectedly dies
The whole of [location] cries.
We can’t accept it, won’t believe it’s true,
but we know we have to say goodbye to you.

Justin [surname] we respect and love
Now a beautiful angel, up above.
Never forgotten, always missed
Your memory forever cherished.

It doesn’t seem real and it just isn’t right
but until God opens the gates again,
night night and sleep tight.

Hell is the home of the wicked

Born from a woman’s womb,
an evil child built mother’s tomb.
Tears it cries, mourns for her death
red marks develop from touch of last breath.

New life bring about the end of the world.
This tiny new being, so twisted and curled.
Baby girl grows into woman – pain inflicting.
Sorrowful voice of sins shall sing.

Lovely young lady, so desirable
beautiful looks, slender figure, so lustful.
Drags the man by blood and heart.
Man follows in, wanting love of midnight’s tart.

Poor young lady in need of money
begging in streets, people show no mercy.

Man refuses to give her money,
now the last is not so much of a honey.
She takes out a chain, beats man to grave
noone is there – his life noone will save.

The woman runs into the night,
runs with fear, runs with fright.
The game she plays cannot end.
The game (her life) she must defend.

She must touch nothing; otherwise she’ll spread the blood,
Create a new massacre? Of course she could.
It’s not good for the woman; she knows her destined fate.
She tries to turn to God; but it’s already too late.

She observes her life has no meaning
In her head, the pressure of nothingness is ringing.
She removes the gun from its hiding,
releases bullet to head. To hell she is riding.

Serious crush

You’ll always be my heart’s desire,
tormenting my soul. Like flames from a fire
you’re too hot. It causes my chest to burn.
When I see you, my tummy turns.

When I’m around you, I always blush.
And when I think you, I get a hot little flush.
Even though I have a man of my own,
I’m dreaming of you when I’m all alone.

You make me feel like a little girl,
you put my world in a constant whirl.
If only you’d put me first
I’d do much more than quench your thirst.

All I know is that I’m in love with you.
I just wish you felt the same way too.

I’m not going to hang around forever
if there is no hope of us being together.

I don’t need any love as such,
not if it hurts this much.
I just need a helping push
to get over you, my serious crush.

Dear God

Dear God, it’s been a while
since I have felt able to smile.
But Lord, I know longer feel that pain
My heart has warmed once again.

I no longer bitterly cry
I’ve got rid of the temptation to die
Now I overflow with love,
Lord, are you watching up above?

I seemed to have swallowed all my hate
I’ve realised I’ve a lot to appreciate.
Just a little bit clearer, now, I’ve opened my eyes
I’m more aware of the truth but still bewildered by lies.

How long has it been since I was angry?
Just for once, my soul flies free
And when was the last time I depressively cursed?
I’ve grown up so much, I’m over the worst.

When you look down on me God, are you proud
to see this imperfect girl, troubled and loud?

God, lately I feel so free
in all my faults, I actually love me
and Lord, it’ll be quite a while
until you can take away my smile.

Growing up

Lost. In a spin, in a whirl
I’m just a foolish girl.
I’m only trying to find my way
Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Forgotten. In a puzzle, in a daze,
I’m a little girl in a delusional phase.
I’m entitled to my weird days!

Hormones. In a mood, in a rage
I’m just a girl in a teenage stage.
I need my own space to grow,
you’re either my friend or a foe.

Trapped between being a kid and an adult,
I’m just a girl wondering: should
I do this? Would I do that?
Who is that boy and what’s he staring at?

Life’s a many directional hurl
my world’s in a constant whirl
My mind’s always in a swirl.

It’s just so hard!
Not yet a woman but no longer a little girl.

You can be

You can be the shining sun
bringing warmth to those who are cold
You can be the shining sun
Letting light into the dark places

You can be the whistling wind
drying the tears of those that are sad
You can be the whistling wind
Cooling those who are hot with anger

You can be the dripping rain
washing away people’s sins
You can be the dripping rain
washing away the pain

You can be the wise old owl
who knows of every wonder
You can be the wise old owl
Giving advice to those that are troubled.

You can be the glittering star
guiding those that are lost
You can be the glittering star
showing people the way to live their lives.

Or you could simply be yourself
admired for who you are
You could simply be yourself.
The best person of all!

Childhood

Running free, running wild
these are the days of being a child.
Boys cooties that make you itch.
The eldest sibling being a bitch.

Kept quiet by strawberry lollipops
Amazed by multi-coloured spinning tops.

I’m beginning to realise life isn’t simple after all.
Sometimes we fly and many times we fall.
We all wish to grow up so fast.
Looking back, we’d beg it to last.

Let the child in you live on,
with a heart as beautiful as the sun.
Close your heavy eyes and let your smile shine.
Don’t wish away the hands of time.